So, now that the iMac is virtually new again, I'm able to once more post on my poor neglected blog. Third repair in less than a year - not just any repair... first we had the midplane replaced earlier this year. Then in the beginning of July our house took on a curious acrid smell... like melting plastic. It got worse and worse - chokingly bad. We finally figured out it was coming from the back of the computer. Which is the monitor, on a G5. Which is the problem, I'm beginning to figure out. Took it in, and took those "genuises" over a week to replace a little ol' fan. Then what happens? I take it home and plug it in... within minutes the air is filled with the same - yet somehow worse - smell of burnt plastic, and this time I hear an odd hissing sound... like when something liquid is dripping onto something hot and sizzling. Hmm... need to investigate this. Listen, move around, listen more - discover the sound is coming from the right bottom corner of the monitor. Not only that, but the same area is so hot I almost burn my fingers when I touch it. Bad sign. Turn it off before it explodes... and calmly call Apple the next day, wanting to actually scream at someone in frustration. But I keep my cool, even laugh about it... and tell them to call me when the part gets in, and then I'll take it in to get repaired. Of course, I get a call past 6:30 pm to let me know it's in, Thursday. Did I mention I live almost 2 hours away from the Apple store? Oh, and try getting 3 kids in the car for that ride, in the blaring, glaring hot sun (it's been awesome summer weather for lying by a pool lately - over 80deg. - too bad we don't have a pool to lie out by ;) and then getting back in the car to go back home - 3 times in a week. I don't think so. So we went and dropped it off, but thank goodness for my mom watching the kids for me when I went back to pick it up. It was sooo hot, and of course I wasn't thinking when I put on my black jeans and black Harley tank top that morning... whew! In an ol' '80 Buick Regal, no a/c, and only one working window (other handle broken due to someone's outburst a while back - we won't go there) Thank heavens it was my window that rolled-down. Even still, that traffic... omygosh. My kids would never have lasted. I've filled my gas tank 3 times in the past week it seems.
Anyways, so now the computer has basically had its insides completely replaced. And if anything goes wrong again... well, supposedly we get a new one. Though I'd rather just have this one up and working if it's all the same. :)
And there's other stuff going on too. Stuff I'm not at liberty to talk about, but I just want to say that stress sucks. I have hardly been able to eat or sleep for the last few weeks. My stomach has been in knots constantly... and just trying to get through the day and function has been a task. The kids are doing ok, we're managing and everything alright. I'm leaning so heavily on God right now that if He weren't there I'd literally be on my face in the mud. I don't know where anything is leading to, all I can do is pray for direction and guidance and wisdom. And more than anything, that His perfect Will be accomplished - in my own and my family's life. If you want to pray for me, I would so appreciate it. Things are really hard right now. We will get through, and we will be stronger, but it will take who-knows how long and it's probably going to get harder before it gets easier. All I can do is read the Bible and pray continually and go one day at a time. My heart is totally breaking every day. But God is good. I stand on His promises, and take to heart the verses in Romans that I feel God has given me:
Romans 8:18: "For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us." I know it's talking about martrydom and suffering for Christ, but I believe other sufferings which are out of your control can also be applied here, if you take them to God and use them for His Glory.
8:26 "Likewise the Spirit also helps our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered." How many times I've just cried, and not even known what to pray... and yet the Spirit prays for me in those times when I cannot even form an intelligible sound, nor a single complete thought. Groanings which cannot be uttered... but you feel them deep within.
8:28 "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose." This is an oft-quoted verse, for good reason. It does well to remember this; because it doesn't matter how dire or dreadful the circumstances seem - somehow, someway, someday it will turn for our benefit. Even if we could never imagine how.
8:35, 37-39 "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution or famine or nakedness, or peril or sword?...Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death, nor life, nor angels nor principalities, nor powers nor things present, nor things to come, nor height nor depth nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
15:13 "Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost."
7.27.2005
5.12.2005
Too long between posts! (Too much flickr? Nah...)
Ok, so it's been forever since I've posted here... I really hate that! It just seems that I don't have much time to write... or maybe I'm just not taking the time. I've spent most of my time on flickr and I just get so absorbed, I stay there too long to have time left over to post here! *Sigh... Flickr is totally my addiction. I've loved photography since I was little... it gives you a glimpse into a world you otherwise might never experience. Not only that, but it's just fun! I've never really been able to decide what I wanted to photograph - I've always been amazed by wildlife photography, and would soooo love to travel to remote places and get beautiful shots of wild animals - preferably in the African savannahs or the rainforests around the world. I'm not big into woodland creatures... sure, they're cute and all - but who hasn't seen tons of squirrels and deer and what-have-you in their lifetime... booooring! In my opinion at least... What I especially love is the vibrant warm colors so prevalent in the Savannahs, and the gorgeous patterns on the animals there - God's creation continually amazes me with it's complexity and beauty! What an Artist! And the rainforests are so cool and green (but not the mossy green so common up here in the Pacific Northwest... I mean the vibrant emerald and chartreuse colors in the leaves and ferns and such) and the animals so bright and varied... what an experience that would be! Just once to catch a photo of a Toucan in flight, or a closeup of a Macaw - what a dream!
And with flickr, it gives me a chance to find photos like that, because there is such a varied community of people, that it's practically guaranteed you'll find at least one photo close to what you're looking for. Plus the talent is so amazing, I just keep finding more photos that inspire me and push me to try new things! I've so enjoyed finding new ways to look at my environment and photograph ordinary objects in extraordinary ways - one photo with a surprisingly positive response was my Spring Shower photo:
It was just a moment of inspiration - that's all I can say about it. I was getting ready to take a shower, and I'd had some success with previous photos of water in motion (I have a great camera with a super-bright flash, and a super-fast shutter speed, so I was able to capture some really cool shots of water splashing on the edge of my daughter's little bathtub) and wanted to see what else I could get. So I hopped in, pointed my camera up at the stream (thank goodness for weatherproofing! My camera has little gaskets to protect it from splashes - it's not waterproof for underwater shots, but spray won't damage it) and snapped a few photos. Afterwards, I chose the best one, and tweaked the contrast levels a bit. I was totally pleased with how it came out - but didn't expect the overwhelmingly positive response it received within the first couple days. It's already becoming one of my most-favorited photos!
Not only that, but flickr has given me the opportunity to share my photos with other like-minded photography-obsessed (or maybe just impassioned) flickrites, and the feedback is amazing... it's part of what keeps me clicking the shutter button. To know that my photographs have put smiles on others' faces, or impacted them in some way, or inspired them to try something new - what more could you ask for? (except maybe an offer to get published or something ;) Especially when it seems that I'm the only one in my family who understands the passion photographers have for their hobby/art/profession. It was very hurtful recently, when I was asking someone in my family if he'd seen my pictures lately, and another person near and dear told me I sounded like a salesperson. Just because I'm proud of my "art" and would appreciate if my family actually provided some feedback on this pursuit of mine... of course I would like them to look at my pictures and tell me what they think. Doesn't everyone want approval from the people closest to them? Especially when it's so personally meaningful? But to hear that insensitive comment... comparing me to someone who - in my mind, is usually classified as pushy, rude, and only looking out for their own interests (i.e. making the sale and getting more money) - it was one of the most hurtful things said to me in recent memory. Especially from one who claims to support me in my pursuit of photography. Of course, this same person has no clue why flickr is so important to me either... it doesn't matter what I tell him about it - if it's something he's not interested in personally, or something he doesn't "understand" then, well, it doesn't matter. He'd just rather not hear about it. It honestly makes me want to cry...
Well, it seems flickr is back up now... and my taquitos are waiting to be popped into the toaster oven... so I'm off! I hope to write more soon. There's alot going on right now, and so much to write about! Ok, well, ta-ta!
And with flickr, it gives me a chance to find photos like that, because there is such a varied community of people, that it's practically guaranteed you'll find at least one photo close to what you're looking for. Plus the talent is so amazing, I just keep finding more photos that inspire me and push me to try new things! I've so enjoyed finding new ways to look at my environment and photograph ordinary objects in extraordinary ways - one photo with a surprisingly positive response was my Spring Shower photo:
It was just a moment of inspiration - that's all I can say about it. I was getting ready to take a shower, and I'd had some success with previous photos of water in motion (I have a great camera with a super-bright flash, and a super-fast shutter speed, so I was able to capture some really cool shots of water splashing on the edge of my daughter's little bathtub) and wanted to see what else I could get. So I hopped in, pointed my camera up at the stream (thank goodness for weatherproofing! My camera has little gaskets to protect it from splashes - it's not waterproof for underwater shots, but spray won't damage it) and snapped a few photos. Afterwards, I chose the best one, and tweaked the contrast levels a bit. I was totally pleased with how it came out - but didn't expect the overwhelmingly positive response it received within the first couple days. It's already becoming one of my most-favorited photos!
Not only that, but flickr has given me the opportunity to share my photos with other like-minded photography-obsessed (or maybe just impassioned) flickrites, and the feedback is amazing... it's part of what keeps me clicking the shutter button. To know that my photographs have put smiles on others' faces, or impacted them in some way, or inspired them to try something new - what more could you ask for? (except maybe an offer to get published or something ;) Especially when it seems that I'm the only one in my family who understands the passion photographers have for their hobby/art/profession. It was very hurtful recently, when I was asking someone in my family if he'd seen my pictures lately, and another person near and dear told me I sounded like a salesperson. Just because I'm proud of my "art" and would appreciate if my family actually provided some feedback on this pursuit of mine... of course I would like them to look at my pictures and tell me what they think. Doesn't everyone want approval from the people closest to them? Especially when it's so personally meaningful? But to hear that insensitive comment... comparing me to someone who - in my mind, is usually classified as pushy, rude, and only looking out for their own interests (i.e. making the sale and getting more money) - it was one of the most hurtful things said to me in recent memory. Especially from one who claims to support me in my pursuit of photography. Of course, this same person has no clue why flickr is so important to me either... it doesn't matter what I tell him about it - if it's something he's not interested in personally, or something he doesn't "understand" then, well, it doesn't matter. He'd just rather not hear about it. It honestly makes me want to cry...
Well, it seems flickr is back up now... and my taquitos are waiting to be popped into the toaster oven... so I'm off! I hope to write more soon. There's alot going on right now, and so much to write about! Ok, well, ta-ta!
3.21.2005
Flickr being Yahoo!'ed
GRRR! I have to be honest, even with all the massages and everything, I really really would rather have flickr stay exactly the way it is right now, than to sell out to Yahoo! I have no idea how much hard work they do at flickr (though I know it's alot) but selling to Yahoo!?? NOOOoooo.....
I have never liked Yahoo. A few years back, my USS Nevada (blue) family support group had a yahoo group, and to be a part of it you had to sign up with Yahoo. I thought, ok that's alright. But to sign up, you had to input your existing email address as an alternative, and after that the spam started FLOODING in!! I ended up getting so fed up, I started a new email. I've never gone back. I can't stand Yahoo! As alot of other flickrite bloggers have expressed, what's going to happen to our photos and groups? How much is flickr going to be infiltrated? Will I now get Yahoo spam to my email address I had to provide for flickr? If so, I'm outta there before you can sneeze! I have 2 email addys on my flickr account... what is Yahoo's privacy policy for that? Are they going to now provide those to outside companies? You know Yahoo, anything to make another buck in the fight to gain ground and catch up with Google (I so wish Google would've acquired flickr... they started up as just a little company too... they know where flickr is coming from and I think would work harder to keep the integrity and vision of Ludicorp than Yahoo will...) Please tell me this is a bad dream that I'll wake up from tomorrow...
If not... *sniff sniff :( .... I'll be watching sooo closely. They better not become Yahoor...
And what about my beloved Daily Zeitgeist? Will that now have Yahoo ads as well? *sigh... all the questions....
I have never liked Yahoo. A few years back, my USS Nevada (blue) family support group had a yahoo group, and to be a part of it you had to sign up with Yahoo. I thought, ok that's alright. But to sign up, you had to input your existing email address as an alternative, and after that the spam started FLOODING in!! I ended up getting so fed up, I started a new email. I've never gone back. I can't stand Yahoo! As alot of other flickrite bloggers have expressed, what's going to happen to our photos and groups? How much is flickr going to be infiltrated? Will I now get Yahoo spam to my email address I had to provide for flickr? If so, I'm outta there before you can sneeze! I have 2 email addys on my flickr account... what is Yahoo's privacy policy for that? Are they going to now provide those to outside companies? You know Yahoo, anything to make another buck in the fight to gain ground and catch up with Google (I so wish Google would've acquired flickr... they started up as just a little company too... they know where flickr is coming from and I think would work harder to keep the integrity and vision of Ludicorp than Yahoo will...) Please tell me this is a bad dream that I'll wake up from tomorrow...
If not... *sniff sniff :( .... I'll be watching sooo closely. They better not become Yahoor...
And what about my beloved Daily Zeitgeist? Will that now have Yahoo ads as well? *sigh... all the questions....
3.09.2005
I'm freezing, Mt. St. Helens Erupted, and other stuff
It is freezing!! After setting record highs today now it's so cold! That's the paradox of the Puget Sound. I still fondly remember weather in Cali, where it's warm during the day, and cool at night... here it gets warm at times, but the clear sky is like an open window that just lets all the heat escape when it gets dark. I almost hope for clouds just to keep the heat in! And lately I've been praying for rain. We haven't seen a drop of precipitation since it snowed during the Pats game. That was ultracool. Too bad my husband was/is out to sea and missed it. The Pats are his team. While my Niners sucked hard core (who knows what the future holds, but more promise than the dismal past with Dennis "I ruin every team I coach" Erickson) Greg got me hooked on NE. Funny, I never thought I'd like an east coast team... AFC at that. Whatever, they're an awesome team, and I'm officially a fan. Can't say that about Boston per se, although it was superduper that they finally won the Series... my hubby was ecstatic! He ran around the house yelling "Go BoSox!" and had to call up his family to cheer the win. Such a cutie. I remember the last time my team was in the series (the SF Giants)... funny how no matter how bad they do, I've never given up on them... I always believe, I always hope, I keep the faith. They say Giants fans are among the most loyal in baseball. Well, I'm a testament to that! The fact is, I know they can make it, I know they can win! Just because I haven't seen it happen...
----- So back to the original topic, today. I had to turn the heater up and throw an extra shirt on just cuz our house isn't sealed up so well. My poor bird, she must be freezing. I really should go close the laundry room door; that's where most of the cold air comes in (somehow, it goes thru the dryer hose, and emanates from there throughout the house) You can almost feel a breeze... What I should really do is laundry, period. I've got a loveseat full of clothes to fold, a washer of clothes to dry, and a basket full to wash. So why the heck am I sitting here? Who knows... I guess I get a bit lonely at night, sitting on my comp (usually flickring) and listening to the TV in the background. I don't feel like doing anything, even though I need to. Ever have times when you just really really feel like cleaning... and you do it for hours, and feel so good afterwards? Well, now isn't one of those times. I'm exhausted. Staying up till 4am cuz you just can't fall asleep really sux. Bryant's at my mom's tonight, so that's nice. A little break. I'm looking forward to next week, when I finally get some more (adult) human contact. Being around 3 small children all day, and not much chance to hang out with (what) friends, I feel like my social skills are deteriorating rapidly. I haven't made it to the Nevada's family support group meetings at all this deployment. Next week though... oh shoot!! Well, my friends (ok, I have 2) Carrie and Jessica were gonna come over Tues. and have a movie night after our kids were in bed (well, Jessica doesn't have any; Carrie's got 2, that her hubby will be home with) but that's my very last FSG mtg. This is our last patrol with the Nevada (thank God) and I've met some great women over the last few years. I really don't want to miss the last meeting. Durnit. I'll hafta call my friends and cancel. Hmm. Maybe another night... Oh, and our GRNN dinner is coming up too... the last event b4 the guys come home. (Should I say what it stands for? ;) That's always fun. I've decided not to buy tix this time for first hug/kiss. We won first hug last time, and I spent so much $ ... I don't need to do it again. Let somebody else get that priviledge... 'tho it'd be sick to get to ride on the boat back thru the canal. My hubby's not a chief, so lemme guess... not gonna happen. But a girl can dream...
------- Wow, it's gotten really late... but before I go, Mt. St. Helens... it erupted again... well more like a really big burp. No lava, rocks, or anything, just a huge ash cloud. Went up 36,000 ft. And they don't have a clue what this means. Will there be another eruption? Is it likely to mirror the one in 1980? Well, they don't seem to think so... right. Did they think the '80 one was gonna be so big? *sigh... I'll do a bit more research on this when I'm not so tired. I promise I'll start blogging more, so there aren't these circuitous entries that kind of just ramble on about nothing. I sure hope to get an email soon though... my husband sent one but I received it about 6 times today. That's submarine email... sporadic, unreliable... it's like they've taken your emotions on a ride with the boat, up and down with the swells of anticipation and the troughs of disappointment. They're not coming home when they're supposed to... that sucked to tell the kids. Add more hearts to the whiteboard... well, we've at least erased the ones we added, and a couple more by now. And was supposed to be getting a call soon... not gonna happen. Their only break taken away due to the uncertainties of the job... such is navy life. Well, we can always take a trip ourselves later... hopefully.-------For now, I'm going to bed. Still need to fold clothes too....
----- So back to the original topic, today. I had to turn the heater up and throw an extra shirt on just cuz our house isn't sealed up so well. My poor bird, she must be freezing. I really should go close the laundry room door; that's where most of the cold air comes in (somehow, it goes thru the dryer hose, and emanates from there throughout the house) You can almost feel a breeze... What I should really do is laundry, period. I've got a loveseat full of clothes to fold, a washer of clothes to dry, and a basket full to wash. So why the heck am I sitting here? Who knows... I guess I get a bit lonely at night, sitting on my comp (usually flickring) and listening to the TV in the background. I don't feel like doing anything, even though I need to. Ever have times when you just really really feel like cleaning... and you do it for hours, and feel so good afterwards? Well, now isn't one of those times. I'm exhausted. Staying up till 4am cuz you just can't fall asleep really sux. Bryant's at my mom's tonight, so that's nice. A little break. I'm looking forward to next week, when I finally get some more (adult) human contact. Being around 3 small children all day, and not much chance to hang out with (what) friends, I feel like my social skills are deteriorating rapidly. I haven't made it to the Nevada's family support group meetings at all this deployment. Next week though... oh shoot!! Well, my friends (ok, I have 2) Carrie and Jessica were gonna come over Tues. and have a movie night after our kids were in bed (well, Jessica doesn't have any; Carrie's got 2, that her hubby will be home with) but that's my very last FSG mtg. This is our last patrol with the Nevada (thank God) and I've met some great women over the last few years. I really don't want to miss the last meeting. Durnit. I'll hafta call my friends and cancel. Hmm. Maybe another night... Oh, and our GRNN dinner is coming up too... the last event b4 the guys come home. (Should I say what it stands for? ;) That's always fun. I've decided not to buy tix this time for first hug/kiss. We won first hug last time, and I spent so much $ ... I don't need to do it again. Let somebody else get that priviledge... 'tho it'd be sick to get to ride on the boat back thru the canal. My hubby's not a chief, so lemme guess... not gonna happen. But a girl can dream...
------- Wow, it's gotten really late... but before I go, Mt. St. Helens... it erupted again... well more like a really big burp. No lava, rocks, or anything, just a huge ash cloud. Went up 36,000 ft. And they don't have a clue what this means. Will there be another eruption? Is it likely to mirror the one in 1980? Well, they don't seem to think so... right. Did they think the '80 one was gonna be so big? *sigh... I'll do a bit more research on this when I'm not so tired. I promise I'll start blogging more, so there aren't these circuitous entries that kind of just ramble on about nothing. I sure hope to get an email soon though... my husband sent one but I received it about 6 times today. That's submarine email... sporadic, unreliable... it's like they've taken your emotions on a ride with the boat, up and down with the swells of anticipation and the troughs of disappointment. They're not coming home when they're supposed to... that sucked to tell the kids. Add more hearts to the whiteboard... well, we've at least erased the ones we added, and a couple more by now. And was supposed to be getting a call soon... not gonna happen. Their only break taken away due to the uncertainties of the job... such is navy life. Well, we can always take a trip ourselves later... hopefully.-------For now, I'm going to bed. Still need to fold clothes too....
3.05.2005
Up Late... or Early?
Well, it's past 3 am, and I'm still awake... again. It's so hard to sleep when my husband's out to sea. Thank God this is his last patrol... at least for a while. We're not sure if we'll do the obliserve or not...
So I can't believe how long it's been since I've visited my own blog. I found an awesome website/photo-sharing community called flickr. That's now where I've been spending most of my online time. Wow, it sure is fun, but sucks up alot of time. I've gotten some of my friends and fam. to join, but I never know if they actually visit, or anything because I've only ever gotten 2 comments on any of my photos (one from my mom, one from my dad) and nobody has uploaded any photos! Makes me feel a bit lonely... I know my father-in-law looked once, and my hubby's grandpa has looked, but I have no idea how often they do. His family is all on the east coast, so I figured it'd be a great way to show them the latest photos of the kids, and keep in touch. Well, it was a good idea anyway. And the pics are there, whenever they decide to see them again. :)
So this summer, I'll be going back east for the first time since I moved away when I was 7. It'll be the first time to New England and poss. Florida. Anheiser Busch is giving away tix to their theme parks for military families, and Greg's grandparents live in FL, so it might just work out perfectly. The kids have never been to Sea World. I used to live in so. Cali when I was little, and it was my fave place to be. I especially loved the dolphin tank. And everyone loves Shamu... even though there's been... who knows how many? :) I would love to take them for the day. I'm sure Greg's grandparents would love to come along too. But whether we do that or not, we'll def. be visiting the rest of Greg's fam. in New England. I've heard so much about there from him, but never seen it... and only glimpses in pics from his childhood. I'm a little apprehensive. Oh, it has nothing to do with his family, I love them all and they're so nice and welcoming. His mom is the sweetest woman I've ever met. And I can't wait to see his little sisters again. His father is so funny and corny, and his step-mom is really helpful and fun. They're all great to talk to. But it'll be wierd going to his "home" seeing where he grew up and all. I mean, cool... but I guess because I've never known what it was like to grow up in one place. I guess you could say I'm worried about being jealous? Not envious, but well, it may sound pathetic, but whenever he talks about all his great childhood memories, and his friends and stuff... I dunno. I'm glad he has such great memories... but so many are tied up in someone else, and experiences I want to share with him he's already done with someone else. Or should I say, A someone else. And I think that's what most frightens me... the chance of meeting that someone else. Ok, frighten is a bad word. Dreading, maybe? Not sure why, I guess there's a few reasons. Well, first of all, how many people want to meet their spouse's "highschool sweetheart?" I mean, they only dated for a short time his sr. year, but he didn't date anyone after her, so that's what he considers her. And you always hear those stories of someone down the line getting divorced and finding love again, with their "old flame." Do I think that could happen? Well... things happen. All I can say is I really really hope not. I hope that Greg and I can work out our differences, that we can start to work together and be like a married couple should be. I def. know I don't want to go back east if our lives continue the way it has been going.
So what really scares ... I mean, worries me about meeting her? I guess one thing is, I'll have a face to put with the name. I really don't want that face haunting me. I have a name, I have stories. I don't need a face to put with them. The thing is, they stopped talking not too long before he met me. He claims to have been completely over her, but he used to talk about her all the time. Now, he has apologized for that, he apparently didn't realize he talked about her so much. Which worried me even more... that it was so natural to just talk about her. The funny thing is, she was totally using him. She didn't really care about him, and when he tells me all the things that happened between them, and how she snubbed him so many times (I mean, the whole reason they broke up in high school was cuz she wanted to date someone else) in some ways I feel bad for him, and in some ways I just want to say "HELLO!!" I mean, he still doesn't get what was going on. But he's a guy. They are pretty much clueless when it comes to the communication part of relationships, or the subtlety of blowing someone off. Well, she didn't so much blow him off as lead him on. I mean, she wasn't very clear. I can see where she was stringing him along. And I know she knows it too (probably flattered her that he was so into her, and she didn't want to let it go completely) but I don't think he ever will. Maybe it would just be too painful. Or maybe he just doesn't want to admit it.
Anyways, I really don't want to meet her. I don't want that awkward "I'm the first one he thought might be the one" and "Hi, I'm the one he did marry" moment. Just me, but I'd rather not see the girl he was so close to emotionally. Sometimes I thought (when we were dating, and first married) that he was still closer to her in his heart than he was to me. That's a hard place to be in.
So hopefully that meeting won't happen, and I'll just have happiness and joy at seeing where my husband grew up and went camping, and running, and everything. At the very least, I'll get to see his family again, and the kids will get to see their grandparents that they haven't seen since the wedding and Rose's birth.
Let's just pray that we get a minivan before summer...
So I can't believe how long it's been since I've visited my own blog. I found an awesome website/photo-sharing community called flickr. That's now where I've been spending most of my online time. Wow, it sure is fun, but sucks up alot of time. I've gotten some of my friends and fam. to join, but I never know if they actually visit, or anything because I've only ever gotten 2 comments on any of my photos (one from my mom, one from my dad) and nobody has uploaded any photos! Makes me feel a bit lonely... I know my father-in-law looked once, and my hubby's grandpa has looked, but I have no idea how often they do. His family is all on the east coast, so I figured it'd be a great way to show them the latest photos of the kids, and keep in touch. Well, it was a good idea anyway. And the pics are there, whenever they decide to see them again. :)
So this summer, I'll be going back east for the first time since I moved away when I was 7. It'll be the first time to New England and poss. Florida. Anheiser Busch is giving away tix to their theme parks for military families, and Greg's grandparents live in FL, so it might just work out perfectly. The kids have never been to Sea World. I used to live in so. Cali when I was little, and it was my fave place to be. I especially loved the dolphin tank. And everyone loves Shamu... even though there's been... who knows how many? :) I would love to take them for the day. I'm sure Greg's grandparents would love to come along too. But whether we do that or not, we'll def. be visiting the rest of Greg's fam. in New England. I've heard so much about there from him, but never seen it... and only glimpses in pics from his childhood. I'm a little apprehensive. Oh, it has nothing to do with his family, I love them all and they're so nice and welcoming. His mom is the sweetest woman I've ever met. And I can't wait to see his little sisters again. His father is so funny and corny, and his step-mom is really helpful and fun. They're all great to talk to. But it'll be wierd going to his "home" seeing where he grew up and all. I mean, cool... but I guess because I've never known what it was like to grow up in one place. I guess you could say I'm worried about being jealous? Not envious, but well, it may sound pathetic, but whenever he talks about all his great childhood memories, and his friends and stuff... I dunno. I'm glad he has such great memories... but so many are tied up in someone else, and experiences I want to share with him he's already done with someone else. Or should I say, A someone else. And I think that's what most frightens me... the chance of meeting that someone else. Ok, frighten is a bad word. Dreading, maybe? Not sure why, I guess there's a few reasons. Well, first of all, how many people want to meet their spouse's "highschool sweetheart?" I mean, they only dated for a short time his sr. year, but he didn't date anyone after her, so that's what he considers her. And you always hear those stories of someone down the line getting divorced and finding love again, with their "old flame." Do I think that could happen? Well... things happen. All I can say is I really really hope not. I hope that Greg and I can work out our differences, that we can start to work together and be like a married couple should be. I def. know I don't want to go back east if our lives continue the way it has been going.
So what really scares ... I mean, worries me about meeting her? I guess one thing is, I'll have a face to put with the name. I really don't want that face haunting me. I have a name, I have stories. I don't need a face to put with them. The thing is, they stopped talking not too long before he met me. He claims to have been completely over her, but he used to talk about her all the time. Now, he has apologized for that, he apparently didn't realize he talked about her so much. Which worried me even more... that it was so natural to just talk about her. The funny thing is, she was totally using him. She didn't really care about him, and when he tells me all the things that happened between them, and how she snubbed him so many times (I mean, the whole reason they broke up in high school was cuz she wanted to date someone else) in some ways I feel bad for him, and in some ways I just want to say "HELLO!!" I mean, he still doesn't get what was going on. But he's a guy. They are pretty much clueless when it comes to the communication part of relationships, or the subtlety of blowing someone off. Well, she didn't so much blow him off as lead him on. I mean, she wasn't very clear. I can see where she was stringing him along. And I know she knows it too (probably flattered her that he was so into her, and she didn't want to let it go completely) but I don't think he ever will. Maybe it would just be too painful. Or maybe he just doesn't want to admit it.
Anyways, I really don't want to meet her. I don't want that awkward "I'm the first one he thought might be the one" and "Hi, I'm the one he did marry" moment. Just me, but I'd rather not see the girl he was so close to emotionally. Sometimes I thought (when we were dating, and first married) that he was still closer to her in his heart than he was to me. That's a hard place to be in.
So hopefully that meeting won't happen, and I'll just have happiness and joy at seeing where my husband grew up and went camping, and running, and everything. At the very least, I'll get to see his family again, and the kids will get to see their grandparents that they haven't seen since the wedding and Rose's birth.
Let's just pray that we get a minivan before summer...
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